"You are so different than anybody else."

I think I have heard this about 100 times in my life from various people, maybe more. At first it shocked me and sometimes upset me, as I just wanted to fit in. But I have grown to like being reminded of this fact, maybe that is part of enlightenment: self acceptance.

Yesterday I was talking with a like-minded friend about the “meaning of life”, and what exactly my next assignment will be—since I am of the mindset that this life might just be preparation for the next, and it occurred to me that there are four types of people (for me). Type one, these are the people you meet or know, that you have experienced a special bond/connection/vibe with, that you have seen their true selves in their eyes and they have seen your true self and you both accept each other into your “family” and don’t mind saying so or admitting it, no fear, no shame. Type two, the people you meet or know that you have seen their true selves, and you have accepted each other, though they send a vibe that they are not ready to or never really will have any need or want to actually ever talk about it with you, it is just there in the glance, said and done. Type three, you have tried to look at them, looked in their soul and found really just an empty space; the lights are not on, and nobody’s home. Type 4, you have looked to see if they have anything, but what you see is a huge brick wall with a big “Fu.ck off” written on it; these are also known to me as “a.ssholes”.

Luckily for me, I have several people in the type one and two sections. And I love it/them. It pleasantly jolts me when that spark happens (though it should not surprise me as this has happened a lot more than once). (Now I am not talking about a spark of love or se.x/lust, I talking about an actual electric currant/prodding or awakening, someone saying, rather shouting sometimes, nonverbally, “HEY YOU! I SEE YOU! YOU SEE ME? Yeah, you do, I like you, you’re different, you’ve got something these other wackos don’t. Cool, I know we’re friends now, don't worry, I understand that.”

Just today, a coworker and I were talking about her development. And she said those words I love to hear “Michele, but you are so different than anybody else.”
SCORE!!!

I think my main difference is that: I want to be different, like to be different, and HAVE a need to be different. I don’t want to be in any category, I never want to be defined by anyone else. I want to make a lasting impression on the people I meet, especially those who talk to me nonverbally; I want to be helpful, I want to share of myself in order to better someone else.
I have always had the feeling that I do not fit in, and that I am totally different, and I have come to accept it after MANY years of fighting it and being depressed about it—and actually asking that higher power to send me people that were like me in the middle of the night, and I have actually come to like that I am different, or in layman’s terms: Clinically insane.

So what the hell am I supposed to do with my differentiators? My sensitivity gifts and my want to help and my thirst to know what the heck I am preparing myself for in the next life? Seriously, I am ASKING!

I asked Bella on the way home from work yesterday, because it came into my mind-- the sayings that wisdom comes from the mouth of babes; and how they say kids see so clearly. So I asked.
The freaking funny thing was her response. Usually when I ask her a question, she ether answers right away or says nothing, being too distracted to answer. For the first time, when I asked that question, here is what I got:

ME: Bella, do you know what the meaning of life is?
Bella: Hum…..Um….. Hummmmm….ummmmm…
30 seconds pass
Bella: Hummm, um, um, hummmm
30 more seconds, she’s still Umming and humming….and finally...
Bella: Mommy? I don’t know!
Me: You don't?
Bella: Nope!

Yeah, she actually contemplated it. THAT is MY girl!!!
Then that made me think, oh lord, she is going to be as different as me.

By the way, I was really not going to post this. As it is really something I feel IS borderline INSANE. But then I thought, well, I AM different. And those who ARE reading this, well, most of you are my type one or two, and YOU KNOW THIS ALL ALREADY!—at least somewhere deep down.