So I went to the Endo again, so her game plan is to try to shrink the nodules on my thryoid by upping my dosage of synthroid. So I am now on 88.
She asked if I already felt a buttchunkingload better from being on the 75, but I had to tell her no. Luckily, she is seriously the BEST doc I have ever had EVER, she went ahead and decided to try the high dose. This NEVER would have happened with the buttmunches I have had to see before. THANK grandma moses that I met this lady!
As an aside, she is so a type 2. I have never seen a doc's soul. And I totally did with this one, twice. I was not exagurating when I said in previous posts that I out loud told the chick I loved her like 3 times in that first meeting. I had pretty much came to the conclusion doctors must not have souls, or have conveniently turned them off, alot I find are just empty.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
"You are so different than anybody else."
I think I have heard this about 100 times in my life from various people, maybe more. At first it shocked me and sometimes upset me, as I just wanted to fit in. But I have grown to like being reminded of this fact, maybe that is part of enlightenment: self acceptance.
Yesterday I was talking with a like-minded friend about the “meaning of life”, and what exactly my next assignment will be—since I am of the mindset that this life might just be preparation for the next, and it occurred to me that there are four types of people (for me). Type one, these are the people you meet or know, that you have experienced a special bond/connection/vibe with, that you have seen their true selves in their eyes and they have seen your true self and you both accept each other into your “family” and don’t mind saying so or admitting it, no fear, no shame. Type two, the people you meet or know that you have seen their true selves, and you have accepted each other, though they send a vibe that they are not ready to or never really will have any need or want to actually ever talk about it with you, it is just there in the glance, said and done. Type three, you have tried to look at them, looked in their soul and found really just an empty space; the lights are not on, and nobody’s home. Type 4, you have looked to see if they have anything, but what you see is a huge brick wall with a big “Fu.ck off” written on it; these are also known to me as “a.ssholes”.
Luckily for me, I have several people in the type one and two sections. And I love it/them. It pleasantly jolts me when that spark happens (though it should not surprise me as this has happened a lot more than once). (Now I am not talking about a spark of love or se.x/lust, I talking about an actual electric currant/prodding or awakening, someone saying, rather shouting sometimes, nonverbally, “HEY YOU! I SEE YOU! YOU SEE ME? Yeah, you do, I like you, you’re different, you’ve got something these other wackos don’t. Cool, I know we’re friends now, don't worry, I understand that.”
Just today, a coworker and I were talking about her development. And she said those words I love to hear “Michele, but you are so different than anybody else.”
SCORE!!!
I think my main difference is that: I want to be different, like to be different, and HAVE a need to be different. I don’t want to be in any category, I never want to be defined by anyone else. I want to make a lasting impression on the people I meet, especially those who talk to me nonverbally; I want to be helpful, I want to share of myself in order to better someone else.
I have always had the feeling that I do not fit in, and that I am totally different, and I have come to accept it after MANY years of fighting it and being depressed about it—and actually asking that higher power to send me people that were like me in the middle of the night, and I have actually come to like that I am different, or in layman’s terms: Clinically insane.
So what the hell am I supposed to do with my differentiators? My sensitivity gifts and my want to help and my thirst to know what the heck I am preparing myself for in the next life? Seriously, I am ASKING!
I asked Bella on the way home from work yesterday, because it came into my mind-- the sayings that wisdom comes from the mouth of babes; and how they say kids see so clearly. So I asked.
The freaking funny thing was her response. Usually when I ask her a question, she ether answers right away or says nothing, being too distracted to answer. For the first time, when I asked that question, here is what I got:
ME: Bella, do you know what the meaning of life is?
Bella: Hum…..Um….. Hummmmm….ummmmm…
30 seconds pass
Bella: Hummm, um, um, hummmm
30 more seconds, she’s still Umming and humming….and finally...
Bella: Mommy? I don’t know!
Me: You don't?
Bella: Nope!
Yeah, she actually contemplated it. THAT is MY girl!!!
Then that made me think, oh lord, she is going to be as different as me.
By the way, I was really not going to post this. As it is really something I feel IS borderline INSANE. But then I thought, well, I AM different. And those who ARE reading this, well, most of you are my type one or two, and YOU KNOW THIS ALL ALREADY!—at least somewhere deep down.
Yesterday I was talking with a like-minded friend about the “meaning of life”, and what exactly my next assignment will be—since I am of the mindset that this life might just be preparation for the next, and it occurred to me that there are four types of people (for me). Type one, these are the people you meet or know, that you have experienced a special bond/connection/vibe with, that you have seen their true selves in their eyes and they have seen your true self and you both accept each other into your “family” and don’t mind saying so or admitting it, no fear, no shame. Type two, the people you meet or know that you have seen their true selves, and you have accepted each other, though they send a vibe that they are not ready to or never really will have any need or want to actually ever talk about it with you, it is just there in the glance, said and done. Type three, you have tried to look at them, looked in their soul and found really just an empty space; the lights are not on, and nobody’s home. Type 4, you have looked to see if they have anything, but what you see is a huge brick wall with a big “Fu.ck off” written on it; these are also known to me as “a.ssholes”.
Luckily for me, I have several people in the type one and two sections. And I love it/them. It pleasantly jolts me when that spark happens (though it should not surprise me as this has happened a lot more than once). (Now I am not talking about a spark of love or se.x/lust, I talking about an actual electric currant/prodding or awakening, someone saying, rather shouting sometimes, nonverbally, “HEY YOU! I SEE YOU! YOU SEE ME? Yeah, you do, I like you, you’re different, you’ve got something these other wackos don’t. Cool, I know we’re friends now, don't worry, I understand that.”
Just today, a coworker and I were talking about her development. And she said those words I love to hear “Michele, but you are so different than anybody else.”
SCORE!!!
I think my main difference is that: I want to be different, like to be different, and HAVE a need to be different. I don’t want to be in any category, I never want to be defined by anyone else. I want to make a lasting impression on the people I meet, especially those who talk to me nonverbally; I want to be helpful, I want to share of myself in order to better someone else.
I have always had the feeling that I do not fit in, and that I am totally different, and I have come to accept it after MANY years of fighting it and being depressed about it—and actually asking that higher power to send me people that were like me in the middle of the night, and I have actually come to like that I am different, or in layman’s terms: Clinically insane.
So what the hell am I supposed to do with my differentiators? My sensitivity gifts and my want to help and my thirst to know what the heck I am preparing myself for in the next life? Seriously, I am ASKING!
I asked Bella on the way home from work yesterday, because it came into my mind-- the sayings that wisdom comes from the mouth of babes; and how they say kids see so clearly. So I asked.
The freaking funny thing was her response. Usually when I ask her a question, she ether answers right away or says nothing, being too distracted to answer. For the first time, when I asked that question, here is what I got:
ME: Bella, do you know what the meaning of life is?
Bella: Hum…..Um….. Hummmmm….ummmmm…
30 seconds pass
Bella: Hummm, um, um, hummmm
30 more seconds, she’s still Umming and humming….and finally...
Bella: Mommy? I don’t know!
Me: You don't?
Bella: Nope!
Yeah, she actually contemplated it. THAT is MY girl!!!
Then that made me think, oh lord, she is going to be as different as me.
By the way, I was really not going to post this. As it is really something I feel IS borderline INSANE. But then I thought, well, I AM different. And those who ARE reading this, well, most of you are my type one or two, and YOU KNOW THIS ALL ALREADY!—at least somewhere deep down.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Vacation nation
Here are some more pics of the big cross country trip. Here are some special moments for bella, as she met her ultimate sesame favorite Big Bird, then her second fav, Elmo, then her Ernie. Bella really liked spending time with her cousin Carolina too. They had a fun time hanging out.Bella was up for most every thing Carolina had in mind, except for being too short for the big rollercoster. But I think she kept up with her big cousin pretty well.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Vacation marathon
Howdy peeps. we are back from our week vacation. We DROVE. And while I found it a bunch better and not as bad as I thought it was going to be, Scott thought the drive way way too much. Bella was even pretty good about it, she only gave us grief at night, when it was getting too late. So she really handled the majority of the drive like a trooper. I was so proud of her.
When we started our attraction tour, we first went to Hershey Park, where bella is in front of the glass case of chocolate treats, then we progressed to Sesame Place, where bella met just about every character, Elmo, Big bird, Zoe (above), Bert and Ernie, everyone.
She also went swimming both outdoors and indoors at the hotel pool! Quelle miracle!
She also got to go too a small part of the Jersey shore with her aunts, uncle and cousins. Though we didn't go in, there was a huge population of JELLYFISH so we didn't want her to go and get herself stung. But she did meet a crab, and THE crab WHISPERER...this old man showed us this trick that he picked up a crab, folded it, then rubbed it's back and it fell asleep!! I am not kidding!! The crab in question is above!
Bella had a great time. She really did well, she didn't nap the best and those days at times were a little trying, but all in all she did really well for her first real big road trip. Way to go Bella! (She even pulled her own backpack suitcase)...what a big girl.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Lucid dreaming
I have the uncanny ability to wake up while in a dream. As I am dreaming, I somehow just realize while there in a dream state, that I am in fact, asleep, dreaming. So I like to test stuff.
So far in my life that I can remember I have done this more than a couple times. Each time I do something to see if I have control. Like, in one, a couple years ago, I decided to halt mid dream and see if I could fly. And I could, and it was fun. It was like having superpowers for like 15 minutes. (Now that I think about it, I think I did the flying scene thing in high school more than once. But I only remember parts since it was so long ago.)
I have climbed on a rooftop in England (had to be, it was a castle) and consciously felt the roof tiles. They were definitely soft like pillows.
My most recent was this morning. I was in a dream where I was in Sycamore and I was running around my block for some reason, and I made it to the front of my house, when I realized that Scott was running from behind the house, worried and looking for me, so I screamed to him that I was in front, but I screamed like I was in trouble (on accident), and when it came out I felt bad, so I immediately followed it with “I am alright”. When we met up, this contractor guy was there and held out a book to me telling me I had to write my phone number in it so he could call in give me estimates on a house that wasn’t even mine… So I took the book, and realized I was dreaming. So I looked at Scott, and said, “I am going to do a test.” He was like, “oookayy.“ I told him it was a dream, he said he knew that. So I said I wanted to test to see if we could really communicate or something in dreams. He said no problem! He was ready. So I said, remember this when you wake up. And I wrote something on the paper, he read it, told me he got it and would have no trouble remembering it when he woke up.
This morning when we were actually awake, I asked if he dreamt last night, he pretty much said he had no recollections. So the test so far didn’t work. But I am not going to tell, just to see if sometime, somehow it miraculously just pops in his mind someday. That would be pretty cool.
So far in my life that I can remember I have done this more than a couple times. Each time I do something to see if I have control. Like, in one, a couple years ago, I decided to halt mid dream and see if I could fly. And I could, and it was fun. It was like having superpowers for like 15 minutes. (Now that I think about it, I think I did the flying scene thing in high school more than once. But I only remember parts since it was so long ago.)
I have climbed on a rooftop in England (had to be, it was a castle) and consciously felt the roof tiles. They were definitely soft like pillows.
My most recent was this morning. I was in a dream where I was in Sycamore and I was running around my block for some reason, and I made it to the front of my house, when I realized that Scott was running from behind the house, worried and looking for me, so I screamed to him that I was in front, but I screamed like I was in trouble (on accident), and when it came out I felt bad, so I immediately followed it with “I am alright”. When we met up, this contractor guy was there and held out a book to me telling me I had to write my phone number in it so he could call in give me estimates on a house that wasn’t even mine… So I took the book, and realized I was dreaming. So I looked at Scott, and said, “I am going to do a test.” He was like, “oookayy.“ I told him it was a dream, he said he knew that. So I said I wanted to test to see if we could really communicate or something in dreams. He said no problem! He was ready. So I said, remember this when you wake up. And I wrote something on the paper, he read it, told me he got it and would have no trouble remembering it when he woke up.
This morning when we were actually awake, I asked if he dreamt last night, he pretty much said he had no recollections. So the test so far didn’t work. But I am not going to tell, just to see if sometime, somehow it miraculously just pops in his mind someday. That would be pretty cool.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
English majors please look away...
So I was an English major. So technically I should own a library of classic literature, or just literature, ok books, ok pieces of paper bound together with scribbles. Right? I don’t. And with the woosh of life, and the busy with other things schedule I have been on for especially the past 3 years, I pretty much have read nothing.
NADA. Well, if you want to count Slaughterhouse 5 (over a year and a half ago) and Choke or some other Chuck Palahniuk novel 2 years ago, nada.
This post begins that I have been off the wagon of reading, a task with I had spent at least 25 years of my life doing. And it was beginning to show.
I noticed this about myself.
So I decided to head to a cheapy place to get some kind of book. I was on the hunt for a crappy trashy sickie-stupid wrong book, like something Jackie Collins would write. She was my guilty pleasure in my past life. Damn Chances…anyway, I mean, Jane Austen is not the only writer I like (well, ok, she pretty much is)…so I was looking and looking and I finally found a new Jackie novel called something like Married Cheaters or something and I was like hummmm, maybe, what else so they have? I turned the corner and saw an interesting book.
Twilight.
I read the back cover to see what it was about…
Vampires. Check.
Sold. No need to speak more. (I have liked vampires and the like since I was 5 or so watching Svengoolie on Sundays with my dad; then reading Dracula by the time I was about 11.)
Well, not speaking didn’t happen because 2 different people came up to me while I was just standing there, just looking, one telling me I HAD to get this book and oh how good it is and my oh my and the author was just on good morning America or some schiznet that morning…and then the other one saying everyone in her entire family from husband to sister to daughter has read it and just loved the series and me oh my you have to buy this right now you are going to love it.
I had never been accosted in Target before. I have never been accosted by anyone over a book before. So yeah, I bought it. I mean, I had to right?? They told me to. I blame them. Stupid people.
Well, now I am fucking addicted. Drugged and addicted. Just like with Jackie Collins once I read Chances… CRAP! I’ll be buying every single one of this idiot lady’s books now. CRAP.
It is not a literary masterpiece (I can hear Scott and my English professors rolling their eyes), and it even is SLOW in the beginning, but I liked the concept (ordinary girl + hot vampires = LOVE) so much that I gave it more than a chance and finished the 600 page book in like 2 days. Yeah, I can r-e-a-d. Fast.
So around the same time Scott or someone tells me they are making a movie out of the book. So I checked out the teaser trailer after I completed the book. I hope to god the movie is decent. I can’t tell honestly. But I have to hand it to the casting director. The cast looks exactly like I pictured from the book. Whew. Except the main vampire guy is a liiiitttle (ok a lot) too boyish and skinny for me, he is supposed to look like a Greek god, and doesn’t, but I don’t have that big of a problem with the person they chose, I can still watch it, I can deal.
So I have become thoroughly obsessed. There are 4 books in the series (the last just came out on Saturday strangely) and today I am on book 3. While looking at the trailer, I also read some of the threads and came to find out that this series and the author have a cult following of adolescent\teenage girls and their moms. They even had a Vampire “prom” at the bookstore to celebrate the release of the final book. Lord. Yikes. It’s like the Harry Potter movement, and I am NOT into Harry Potter.
Anyway, the verdict: this series is for 16 year old girls, and 16 year old girls alone. But if I were 16 again, I would NOT LEAVE MY ROOM, I’d lock myself away in my closet and read it all. Which is ok for me, since I am now old and I’ve decided I liked feeling like a 16 year old girl for the weekend. But now it is however long it takes me to complete the series, which should be about 4 more days… I’ll have read well over 2500 pages in a week.
So I confided in a coworker and fellow English major about my slippage into the dark side of trashy teen angst novels, and I ended up lending the book to her. Now, we have a book club going. She gave me a grown up book though, Eat Pray Love…we shall see. I have to conquer my obsession though first.
As I told Scott today in an earlier email, this 4th book better tie up loose ends, it better not have any “the ending is up to you” crap. I’ll be so pissed. Pissed like a 16 year old girl! Watch out!
NADA. Well, if you want to count Slaughterhouse 5 (over a year and a half ago) and Choke or some other Chuck Palahniuk novel 2 years ago, nada.
This post begins that I have been off the wagon of reading, a task with I had spent at least 25 years of my life doing. And it was beginning to show.
I noticed this about myself.
So I decided to head to a cheapy place to get some kind of book. I was on the hunt for a crappy trashy sickie-stupid wrong book, like something Jackie Collins would write. She was my guilty pleasure in my past life. Damn Chances…anyway, I mean, Jane Austen is not the only writer I like (well, ok, she pretty much is)…so I was looking and looking and I finally found a new Jackie novel called something like Married Cheaters or something and I was like hummmm, maybe, what else so they have? I turned the corner and saw an interesting book.
Twilight.
I read the back cover to see what it was about…
Vampires. Check.
Sold. No need to speak more. (I have liked vampires and the like since I was 5 or so watching Svengoolie on Sundays with my dad; then reading Dracula by the time I was about 11.)
Well, not speaking didn’t happen because 2 different people came up to me while I was just standing there, just looking, one telling me I HAD to get this book and oh how good it is and my oh my and the author was just on good morning America or some schiznet that morning…and then the other one saying everyone in her entire family from husband to sister to daughter has read it and just loved the series and me oh my you have to buy this right now you are going to love it.
I had never been accosted in Target before. I have never been accosted by anyone over a book before. So yeah, I bought it. I mean, I had to right?? They told me to. I blame them. Stupid people.
Well, now I am fucking addicted. Drugged and addicted. Just like with Jackie Collins once I read Chances… CRAP! I’ll be buying every single one of this idiot lady’s books now. CRAP.
It is not a literary masterpiece (I can hear Scott and my English professors rolling their eyes), and it even is SLOW in the beginning, but I liked the concept (ordinary girl + hot vampires = LOVE) so much that I gave it more than a chance and finished the 600 page book in like 2 days. Yeah, I can r-e-a-d. Fast.
So around the same time Scott or someone tells me they are making a movie out of the book. So I checked out the teaser trailer after I completed the book. I hope to god the movie is decent. I can’t tell honestly. But I have to hand it to the casting director. The cast looks exactly like I pictured from the book. Whew. Except the main vampire guy is a liiiitttle (ok a lot) too boyish and skinny for me, he is supposed to look like a Greek god, and doesn’t, but I don’t have that big of a problem with the person they chose, I can still watch it, I can deal.
So I have become thoroughly obsessed. There are 4 books in the series (the last just came out on Saturday strangely) and today I am on book 3. While looking at the trailer, I also read some of the threads and came to find out that this series and the author have a cult following of adolescent\teenage girls and their moms. They even had a Vampire “prom” at the bookstore to celebrate the release of the final book. Lord. Yikes. It’s like the Harry Potter movement, and I am NOT into Harry Potter.
Anyway, the verdict: this series is for 16 year old girls, and 16 year old girls alone. But if I were 16 again, I would NOT LEAVE MY ROOM, I’d lock myself away in my closet and read it all. Which is ok for me, since I am now old and I’ve decided I liked feeling like a 16 year old girl for the weekend. But now it is however long it takes me to complete the series, which should be about 4 more days… I’ll have read well over 2500 pages in a week.
So I confided in a coworker and fellow English major about my slippage into the dark side of trashy teen angst novels, and I ended up lending the book to her. Now, we have a book club going. She gave me a grown up book though, Eat Pray Love…we shall see. I have to conquer my obsession though first.
As I told Scott today in an earlier email, this 4th book better tie up loose ends, it better not have any “the ending is up to you” crap. I’ll be so pissed. Pissed like a 16 year old girl! Watch out!
Monday, August 4, 2008
Young hot guys and funny drunk girls
It was HOT. Outside. At Lalapolooza.
But the gargantuan "concert" was good. Real good. Pretty much who I was there for was Butch Walker (who was decent but didn’t play the one song he really should have but oh well, it irked me…), then The Terrible Twos (for Bella), then Jeff Tweedy (from Wilco—who was of course wonderful and we were pretty much touching because he played on the ground next to us on the kids stage...and this is the point at which Scott might have pissed himself, or maybe it was the first point during the whole weekend that Scott might have pissed himself [he has man-love for Jeff Tweedy]), then we waited trying to find shade (which we succeeded at despite the 75,000 people there), till Radiohead started. Bonus too was that fireworks from what I think was a Sox game was in great view too and just added to the night.
All those guys, bands, were very very good. But the heat sucked. And I am not one for outside heat. So i think my favorite part was Jeff Tweedy and then Radiohead. Sorry Butch, but no Grant Park, the bad 'Stache... mech to you!
The funniest part was the young drunk girl coming up to me tell me what a cool mom I was to bring my 2 year old baby to the concert. She was in love with Bella…"she is going to be the cooooolest kid, she can brag that she saw RADIOHEAD when she was two!!!” Then I mentioned it was her 7th concert and she about died. Seriously, I looked around for possible medical attention just in case. I think Drunk swooning is funny. That and then Bella was a MAGNET for young hot guys too. They some stopped me and asked about bella too, what was her name, etc.… it was FUNNY…. If she'd been older, they would have hit on HER! hahahaa
Bella breakdowns, and that was because of the temp and the fact she didn’t get a nap, her favorite was Radiohead for sure though and she absolutely LOVED them, and she crashed in the stroller during the second to last song.
That night I became SOO sore from the day of walking, pushing the stroller, running after Bella, handling her beating and jumping on me...ugh. That didn't reside until 5 pm YESTERDAY. I was beat.
I am sure Scott will shortly have his reviews up on his blog. I think he is still reelling from all this. He had a f-ing spectatular time. Go read about it!
But the gargantuan "concert" was good. Real good. Pretty much who I was there for was Butch Walker (who was decent but didn’t play the one song he really should have but oh well, it irked me…), then The Terrible Twos (for Bella), then Jeff Tweedy (from Wilco—who was of course wonderful and we were pretty much touching because he played on the ground next to us on the kids stage...and this is the point at which Scott might have pissed himself, or maybe it was the first point during the whole weekend that Scott might have pissed himself [he has man-love for Jeff Tweedy]), then we waited trying to find shade (which we succeeded at despite the 75,000 people there), till Radiohead started. Bonus too was that fireworks from what I think was a Sox game was in great view too and just added to the night.
All those guys, bands, were very very good. But the heat sucked. And I am not one for outside heat. So i think my favorite part was Jeff Tweedy and then Radiohead. Sorry Butch, but no Grant Park, the bad 'Stache... mech to you!
The funniest part was the young drunk girl coming up to me tell me what a cool mom I was to bring my 2 year old baby to the concert. She was in love with Bella…"she is going to be the cooooolest kid, she can brag that she saw RADIOHEAD when she was two!!!” Then I mentioned it was her 7th concert and she about died. Seriously, I looked around for possible medical attention just in case. I think Drunk swooning is funny. That and then Bella was a MAGNET for young hot guys too. They some stopped me and asked about bella too, what was her name, etc.… it was FUNNY…. If she'd been older, they would have hit on HER! hahahaa
Bella breakdowns, and that was because of the temp and the fact she didn’t get a nap, her favorite was Radiohead for sure though and she absolutely LOVED them, and she crashed in the stroller during the second to last song.
That night I became SOO sore from the day of walking, pushing the stroller, running after Bella, handling her beating and jumping on me...ugh. That didn't reside until 5 pm YESTERDAY. I was beat.
I am sure Scott will shortly have his reviews up on his blog. I think he is still reelling from all this. He had a f-ing spectatular time. Go read about it!
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